I’ve written two installments of Handbook: For Those Who Love The Vikings But Hate Brett Favre. After reading the comments generated from the first part, I contemplated patting myself on the back. However, after reading the comments generated from the second post, particularly when it hit our mother site, I contemplated making myself run sprints as punishment.
Either way, I think it is important that I continue what I started. Us Vikings fans who are going to need more than just a spoonful of sugar to help this Favre signing go down without dry-gagging are in the clear minority.
Most fans are willing to just accept that the deified signal caller’s name alone will be enough to get this team’s passing game to the elite level that we crave. If you are one of these fans then please be warned, these posts are not for you.
These posts are written exclusively for those fans that will need help dealing with the conflicting feelings that are about to be the result of the Favre signing. After what feels like centuries of rooting like mad against this sun-burned, wrinkled, old man it is only natural for some of us to pause and wonder how we can bring ourselves to cheer for him as he underhands a custom-worn ball after stepping 5 yards past the line of scrimmage to a salivating linebacker in the final seconds of a big game.
The facts are simple. Favre was a Packer for 16 years. Vikings fans hate Packers. Vikings fans hate 16 year Packers. Some Vikings fans are going to have a hard time cheering for this guy. And that, my friends, is why I write these posts… to give some support to these folks. I don’t want to see ANY Vikings fan have their season ruined by Brett Favre AGAIN, so it’s time we help each other cope with this ridiculous turn of events so we can get on with the season.
So, if you are a Favre fanatic, if you think he could throw for 350 yards while walking on water, if reading my posts makes you want to lash out and tell me that “you’re just jealous you aren’t a hall of fame quarterback” or “bloggers are stupid and no self respecting person would be caught dead reading or commenting on this trash” then feel free to skip this article because you aren’t going to like it.
Step Ten: Don’t Do Terrible Things To Goats
Okay, somewhere there is a family that could’ve saved themselves from a lot of trouble if only they had read Handbook. In Winona, MN a lady pulled into a Tires Plus and requested a belt be replaced on her Malibu. Before she left she told the mechanic that there was a goat in her trunk, but not to worry she was going to butcher it soon. While doing the work, the mechanics heard the goat crying and opened the trunk. What they found was even weirder than the mechanics expected.
Bound at the feet lay a goat with good sized horns. The goat had been painted purple and gold with the number “4” shaved into the side of its hair. The mechanics did the right thing by calling animal control and the poor goat had been rescued and is live and well… and presumably getting a makeover.
While it is unclear whether the woman and her family were Vikings or Packers fans, the lesson to be learned here is clear. First, don’t be a dumbass. Second, football and Favre is only so important, so don’t take out your hatred of the Brett Favre signing by painting, shaving, and slaughtering goats… or any other animals. That’s just stupid… Vick-style-stupid.
Step Eleven: Realize Others Feel This Way Too
During the whole Favre mess over the last couple of months, it was pretty well reported that some in the Vikings locker room would rather have Tarvaris Jackson running the team than Brett Favre. According to PFT, some of those folks haven’t changed the way they feel.
So the next time someone tries to discount your hatred of the Favre signing by simply saying “what do you know? You aren’t a professional football player” or “you’re just being too emotional” then make sure to let them know that you aren’t the only one and that, in fact, there are people who do “know what they’re talking about” and have good reason to be “emotionally invested” that feel the exact same way you do.
Step Twelve: Understand What This Will Do For Future Favorites
There are future Vikings players whom we haven’t even met yet. Perhaps they aren’t finished with college yet or maybe they haven’t even graduated high school yet. Some of these players will end up on the Vikings and could possibly become some of your favorite Vikings. They are the crop of the future and those future favorite stand to gain from the Favre signing. Let me explain (as if you had a choice).
The Vikings are quickly turning into the Dallas Cowboys. What I mean is that they have an incredibly aggressive owner in the middle of a stadium battle, a spear hunting defensive end, two hall-of-fame defensive tackles fighting for their rights to play football, a twittering receiver on the verge, a young punk who is trying to prove that a little weed won’t keep him from winning you over, a tight end that shows his privates on national television, and now the ultimate Judas at the helm. I bet Hard Knocks is kicking themselves in the forehead right now for thinking the Bengals would be more exciting.
That’s right, the Vikings now have the entertainment side of football completely cornered and are forcibly working their way towards being one of the most exciting franchises in sports. This means more prime time, more fans, more endorsement deals, more exposure, more national attention, more respect, and more money.
All of these things add up to an exciting future, and while the public eye may eventually turn back away from the Vikings, the gaze will stick around long enough to give newcomers a chance to carry the torch and keep everyone focused on the Vikings.
Step Thirteen: Don’t Disown Your Friends
One reader told a story about how his friends used to have Favre’s Packer jersey as a welcome mat to wipe your shoes on every Sunday. He went on to explain how sick to his stomach he was that these same guys had purple Favre jerseys on when Friday’s preseason game was set to begin.
My advice here is to let them have their fun. If a person has just spent $80 on a Favre jersey then they have already invested too much to turn them back. There is no way you will be able to say ANYTHING to them in order to get them to realize that them buying that jersey was a mistake. More likely, you will end up in some sort of tiff that will result in hurt feelings and people waiting to spew “I Told You So!” after the Vikings paste the Browns in week one.
Just let it go. Simply wait for the season to play out. Then, at the end of the season, strategically ask the question, “Hey, where’s your Favre jersey at? I haven’t seen it lately.”
Step Fourteen: Prepare For Your Christmas To Be Ruined
If you are as outspoken about your love for the Vikings and hatred for Brett Favre as I am, then this may have already begun. Expect to be bombarded with all sorts of Favrobelia as “gag gifts” from now until… well, probably forever. Favre earrings, Favre mugs, Favre jerseys, Favre socks, Favre Fat Heads, Favre photos with frames, Favre visors, Favre golf balls… and you get the point.
The fact is that your friends love testing you. They love flicking your wounds just to see if you’ll tear up. And just like the Grinch stole all the gifts from Whoville (Or something like that. Don’t quote me, I can’t remember Seuss specifics) your Christmas will be ruined by a creature with nasty skin, huge hands, and a heart three sizes too small.
The best defense is to take the punches as they come. Just smile and nod in appreciation. Do not let them get the best of you.