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Hey Belichek… Get out of my Head, Man!

Being a native from the great state of Maine, and being surrounded by demented Patriot fans, one can assume that the closest thing, for me, to the near death experience is the gut wrenching scene of the famed “Tunnel of Light” with the specter of Bill Belichick peeking out of it. Frighteningly, this is but a quick and revealing glimpse into the mind of Coach Boynton.

Halloween for those close to me, isn’t a fear of Ghosts, Goblins or Zombies (excluding Brad Childress) but rather the loathsome feeling one gets when set upon by hungry Jackals. For you see, Patriot fans are a chilling example of a merciless band of stereotypical cannibals far scarier than anything one can experience from a Stephen King novel.

Patriot fans have surpassed even Cowboy and Packer fans in their indignant view of their own superiority. A Patriot loss is ALWAYS the result of a poor officiating call. Of course, when they win because of a bad call, that’s just good karma (See tuck rule) etc. When they get caught in the illegal pilfering of opponent signals, or videotaping an opponent’s practice, or opening the doors in the end zone to allow a gust of wind to blow into a kickers face, that is just being resourceful.

It isn’t their fault if someone misappropriates a snow blower and to randomly plow a path for their kicker to get a better grip. These things just “Happen” from time to time.

Bill Belichick gets into your head, Man! Admit it; you are actually expecting something sneaky to happen during this game. Even if it doesn’t, it still diverts your attention from the task at hand. You waste precious resources trying to detect and prevent what you just know they are doing, but you are powerless to stop.

The Patriots are much like the Cowboys of the 80’s and 90’s in that they absolutely NEVER, EVER get a bad call go against them! Or so it seems from my perspective. I find myself wishing that I could wake up one morning and find them circling the toilet bowl just so I could flush them.

The answer to your question is “YES”. I am considering the help of a professional!

If we lose, it means months of harassment and humiliation. Phone calls, letters…..picket signs outside my house, etc. My neighbors are so obnoxious that they actually dress in all manner of Patriot apparel while mindlessly asserting that their team is the greatest this league has ever known!!!

OK, so we have a few of these types too. Like the guy who shaves his head and paints the Viking Horns on his bald head with spikes coming out all over, or the guy with the hat with horns on it and his face painted purple with gold under his eyes, or Ragnar !!! (by the way, he IS the Greatest Mascot on the planet !!! )

But in No way would I ever taunt or tease or ridicule THEM if the Vikings win !!!! ( Ahem !) At least not until I put on all my Viking garb which includes:

A) My authentic game worn Randall Cunningham helmet

B) My authentic Adrian Peterson jersey

C) My Zubaz purple Zebra stripped pants

D) My various Viking banners

E) Gloves

F) Face paint

G) and “Yes” my Viking slippers !

So GO VIKES ! Let’s hope they can defeat the Evil New England Menace while we concurrently pray that they don’t lose !

Let us ask the football Gods for a game where the Purple actually live up to their level of talent and actually put together a real 4 quarter effort……for the first time this year !

My Mental stability depends on it!


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