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How I Would Roll (If I Was Zygi)

Humor me for a second and imagine that I magically became Zygi Wilf when I woke up tomorrow morning.

The first thing I would do is, well, shave and get a haircut.

Second, I would probably use double sided tape to make a suit made completely of one hundred dollar bills and then wear that suit as I purchased the coolest Jeep Wrangler anyone has ever seen.

Third, I would fully fund Vikings Gab’s effort to support Mr. F’s flag football program.

Fourth, I would appoint myself the lone judge for the Minnesota Vikings Cheerleader auditions.

Fifth, I would call a press conference (at Cold Stone Creamery… which I would now own, of course) and give an unprecedented speech that would go a little something like this…

 

Thank you for coming ladies and gentlemen… and Chip Scoggins too. 

I’ve brought you all together here today because I have something to say, and since my cuff link is worth three times your annual salary, I know you will listen.  Ahem, Mr. Hartman, would you please wait until after my speech to order your Peanut Butter Cup Perfection?  Thanks.

Anyways, I want to talk about a young man on our roster that goes by the name of Big Mac.  Since he isn’t really a household name because he never lived up to his true potential you probably don’t know him by nickname but rather by his real name, maybe, which is Bryant McKinnie.  I wanted to talk to you all about troubles Mr. McKinnie has had recently and explain my stance on these troubles.

First, I know that a lot of you will expect me to tow the company line and say we support McKinnie no matter what.  You will expect me to go on about how McKinnie never had people in his life that cared enough to explain to him how to be a man.  Well, I won’t.  Many NFL teams will dance around off-the-field issues and pretend they don’t exist and do everything they can to avoid pissing off the player or damaging said player’s trade value.  Well, I won’t.

From day one this team has supported McKinnie during off-the-field turmoil.  His lengthy holdout, his obsession with strippers, his part in the Love Boat scandal, and his ill-advised choice to hit a bouncer in the head with a blunt object have all come and gone and we’ve stood behind him the entire time.  We’ve now been asked to stand behind him again after his recent disrespect of the time-honored tradition of the Pro Bowl.

I stopped babysitting other people’s children when I was twelve, and now that I’m a gazillionaire I have no intention of restarting that franchise. 

I know a lot of people would be telling you right now that professional football players are role models and I should probably tell you that the Vikings are dedicated to making McKinnie into a better role model.

Well, we’re not.

So, let me stand up here and tell you something I want you to print on the front page, “DO NOT ALLOW YOUR CHILDREN TO LOOK UP TO OR ADMIRE BRYANT MCKINNIE IN ANY WAY!”

This guy has proven that he will never be capable of being professional or even a respectable human being.  So I am not going to stand up here and lie to you by telling you otherwise.

The guy is a disrespectful, immature, and lazy person and it appears that won’t be changing any time soon.

Personally, I can’t wait until the day I can buy him a one way ticket to another city because I’ve traded his dumb ass to another team.  That day may come soon and it may not.  Unfortunately, left tackle is a position that is not easily replaced and I refuse to punish the other great guys on this roster and the fans by getting rid of McKinnie before we have a replacement plan in place.

A lot of the so-called experts in the media will say that my rant here today has lowered McKinnie’s trade value but I don’t think it has.  I have a price in mind and will trade him to any team in the NFL, or CFL or UFL or AFL for that matter, if somebody offers that price.  I will not allow my urge to kick him out of this state to force me into a raw deal, however. 

So that’s basically all I wanted to say… I don’t like Bryant McKinnie, no mother should consider him a role model to her children, the team is done helping him clean up his image and will no longer make excuses for him, and we are happy to trade him to the first team that makes the right offer.

Our commitment is to nothing short of putting the best product on the field as we possibly can and bringing a Super Bowl title home to Minnesota.  Right now, Bryant McKinnie is a part of that puzzle, but if we have an opportunity to make him a part of someone else’s puzzle without endangering our mission then we will not hesitate.

Thank you for your time and enjoy your ice cream!

 

Yup, that’s what I would do. 

Okay, I’m off to buy a $100,000 bottle of scotch and go to my first MVC audition.


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19 Responses to “How I Would Roll (If I Was Zygi)”

  1. bigjohnny84 says:

    I believe Mr. Adam Wilf would have the balls to do just that, but I doubt Ziggy does.

  2. Fran the Man says:

    I was hoping there would have been a p.s.

    “And Childress, YOU’RE FIRED!”

  3. Fran the Man says:

    Fren , Fran doesn’t matter, I answer to alot of different handles.
    the big question is are you going to share that bottle of 100K scotch. . .

  4. Fragile Freds says:

    How interesting. AK scores a ton of cash and suddenly he is “rolling” like a certain soft hitting shut down corner we all know too well.

    As always a few comments:

    1) Excellent choice on giving yourself an extreme makeover on your existing look. Freds recommends a “high and tight”, get rid of that possum that died on your head and than ratty stash, its gotta go! Freds has some barbers that would be glad to shave AK in the side of your head if you’d like. The suit is fresh, if your able to put a massive clock around your neck like a necklace it would really tighten up the new image.

    2) That Wrangler is the best, Fred just recommends a pair of fuzzy dice from the rear view, otherwise don’t change a thing.

    3) Mr. F and his gang should be flown to Minneapolis, picked up at the airport in the Wrangler and treated to a game in the owners box at the dome. After the game they would be treated to a tour of the locker room where they can each kick Brian McKinney in the shins as they pass. Note to self, keep kids away from Shanoe’s locker after the game.

    4) The cheerleaders, consider a different direction. Fred would employ the biggest, most well nourished, cup cake eating, bacon guzzling, Boones Farms drinking 400 pounders and have them cheer at each game wearing Packer game day uniforms.

    5)Obviously scotch is out, Colt 45 is in.

    Some other subtle things to consider as you begin your reign as Adam Wilf.
    – Create a Joe Buck free Dome.
    – Install Freds pal Johnny as head of Vikings security. Better have an on site jail and electric chair! Dude is serious about cutting down on crime at the Dome.

    • bigjohnny84 says:

      Freds, as head of security, would I have the authority to frisk all attractive, unmarried females entering the dome? I would also like authority to perform strip searches on said entrants and if deemed necessary body cavity searches also. And yes, jails and electric chairs for all Packer games.

  5. Lost Viking says:

    Does this mean L’il Kimmie won’t be doing the MetroDome?

  6. krugjr says:

    BMAC will be traded in rd 1 in the top 20 picks…..we will call every team picking approx 5-20, with a need for OL, and ask if they want the rookie or BMAC…..I’ve read all about Brett needing protection, but I say Brett will take a rookie who works his ass off in place of BMAC……I don’t know the contracts, the money, the picks, the value…..just get it done!

    TRADE BMAC……….GO VIKES!!!!!

    PS Moss to Vikes this yr rumors going around again!

  7. B. Grant says:

    Thank you for your ideas, Freds. Let me just say, however, how thankful I am that you have proceeded as close as you ever will be to ownership of an NFL franchise. I think all fans, and the league as a whole, is appreciative of this fact. This became blatantly clear when I reached the cheerleader portion of your proposal.

    BTW, it appears as though crime prevention is actually #2 on the prioritized security list for Mr. Johnny.

  8. Fragile Freds says:

    Buds,

    Freds should have interviewed Johnny before handing him the job. The whole frisking thing has Fred a lot worried.

  9. Tomb... says:

    I prefer this picture of Zygmund.

    http://sp.ask.com/sa/i/fp/groucho-marx0727.jpg

    I have to agree with Coach, Freds. While I see the appropriate Sconnie representation with your cheerleader scheme, my stomach can only take so much.

    Also, I can serve as backup for Johnny on security detail. Call it a “kinder, gentler” groping. I’m tender, but thorough.

    We’ll let a packer fan frisk the male contingent. Thorough won’t begin to describe that experience.

    • bigjohnny84 says:

      Tomb, you are hired for security detail. I was gonna offer Freds the job but I dont think he’s up to it( pardon the pun )

  10. B. Grant says:

    Mrs. Grant and I have decided that I will not submit an application for said position. It was a decision of compromise, similar to the one we reached when deciding whether to buy a bigger boat or a camper. We now own a camper.

    • bigjohnny84 says:

      Coach, I didnt think you would agree with my or Tombs methods so I didnt offer you the job. A thanks to Mrs. Grant for keeping you on your moral compass.

    • Tomb... says:

      Sorry Coach.

      I too have noticed that the fairer sex’s definition of the word “compromise” doesn’t necessarily correlate to Merriam-Webster’s definition.

  11. B. Grant says:

    Lund vs. Winnebago? I mean, could there be an easier decision in life?

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